Tuesday, January 31, 2012


In light of the events from the past few months, I felt it was time to stir things up again.

Recently a very beautiful woman that a lot of us know, whether personally, from shows or facebook, past away. For reasons hard to understand for most yet I do ::

Talking with a friend this past Sunday I mentioned to her, How can you be in a room full of people yet be so alone? I know that there are quite a few people that know who "EDEN" is but do you?

After moving to Park City, I'll admit I did fall "out of the scene" looking for something more for my life. It was difficult to get people up to visit. I started coming back down to Salt Lake area more and more. I know people are busy but yet so was I! I made time! This feeling of rejection was painful. I felt I put to much of me and my time into everyone and wasn't getting back out of it, yet I didn't want to expect anything either. It wouldn't be right.

After losing my job, place to live and sanity the rejection and loneliness was outstanding! WOW look at all the support I really do not have. The usual response was "It will get better". If you are going to say this horrid line at least say it correctly!! "It will get better but I am not willing to put forth the compassion or time to help you step up so it does get better"!!

I spent 4 months homeless. Bounced through 6 homes. My daughter staying with someone besides me so she could stay in her school. (Where i was not welcomed BTW because in their own words "It would be enabling me"). Unable to get stable enough and the overwhelming amount of rejection, loneliness and sadness I decided that after drinking heavily I would go and drive off the mountain--got caught instead and received a WONDERFUL DUI... and still unemployed.

"You are strong" --maybe but when can I just catch a break and get off the ground from being kicked? I suffer depression and anxiety and have as long as I can remember. I know I am not the easiest person to get a long with but it doesn't stop anyone when they NEED something from ME.

So for you having a hard time understanding :: I give MY story. Maybe you can think about it and start paying attention to the ones that really matter and the ones that don't leave them alone. Quit hurting others out of jealousy, your own self worth, and quit listening to others garbage and go straight to the person in question instead of rumors! When someone is having a rough time in life do something to make it better for them not make it worse!

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out- ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective. This is your awakening. ~Unknown


1 comment:

  1. Dear Carman,
    I wish I knew what to say. The cursor is blinking but still no words can express the sorrow inside right now.
    I read your words and have no idea how it feels to be where you were... I can't even imagine the depth of depression you felt.
    I had a daughter who took me in during my darkest time and cared for me while I worked to become stronger. She listened to me rant, held me when everything just seemed to be too much. I am truly blessed.
    When I had my bike accident it was my daughter that rushed to my side, watched as they put me in the ambulance strapped to a board with a neck brace on. It was my daughter who nursed me back to where I could do for myself.
    I cannot know your pain and anguish. I had and have someone 'in my corner'. Someone there to steady me when I falter, love me and be my friend.
    Many times I wished I was closer to help you as I was being helped but I am here with no means to give what you need.
    All I have is my appreciation for friending me. I wish with all my heart you could know how much that has meant to me.
    The world, my world would be less bright without you.
    If there is anything I can do from way down here, please let me know... I would give whatever I have to make sure you are here tomorrow...